Beautiful Mess

I almost drove home today, California being home. I left the movie theater, tears pouring down my face thinking about my life here in AZ and how I came here thinking that the grass would be greener on the other side.

I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong.

The truth is, life is never greener on the other side. There really is no other side. Life is what you make of it now. To get greener grass, you have to pull up the weeds, seed it, trim it and water it to get it where you want. If you leave in the weeds, you kill any chance for healthier grass to grow. If you don’t feed it, it’ll never grow. If you don’t water it, it browns, withers away and dies. If you don’t trim it every once in a while, it grows wild, produces weeds, and become a horrible sight for you and your neighbors.

I feel like my life right now is a poorly maintained lawn. There’s a lot chaos and pain, most of it own, some of it others. My nature, which is seeming more and more like a flaw, but I’ve been told that it’s a gift, is to serve others. To empathize with them, love them and try my hardest to take care of them. Even when the people I love hurt me, or others dear to me, or people I don’t really know, I am called to love them. I have to forgive them. And, I have to serve them.  I’m a servant by nature, it’s the way God made me, and although sometimes I don’t like it and would love to be selfish, I can’t do it. It’s wrong to me.

So because of this, I’ve seemed to let my lawn go, and stopped caring for it, for myself. So instead of trying to find a healthy balance for everything, my nature, the truly flawed part, is to find another lawn, leaving the other one behind, and start over. The downside to this, although things appear to be neat, trimmed, watered and weeded is that I’ve left several messes behind me, unkempt and not dealt with.

So after a long, tear-filled chat with God, expressing my anger at myself and others, I came to this conclusion: I’ve got to stop looking for greener pastures, and deal with what I got. I’ve got to recognize that by nature I’m a servant and its my nature to help. But to help anyone, to be a real help, I’ve got to clean up my own beautiful mess. Although the grass may appear greener on the other side, I’ll keep getting the same results unless I finally stop and deal with myself.

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