50/50

Have you ever gotten to a point where you’ve stopped trusting yourself and you know for a fact that all along you should just be leaning on God, but even THAT is scary?

Right now, among other things, I’ve got a fear issue.  I find myself wishing for that girl who once dived into anything without thinking and was totally okay with the unknown. That girl was bold, brash, a little risky, but boy did she fall and have fun doing it.  She would dust herself off, put on some bandages and keep going. Now she tiptoes through life, second guessing everything, not really able to trust herself, others and the saddest of all, not really trusting God.

So of course, I recognize the fearful girl I’ve become and it’s strange, because one day she just came for a visit and now she won’t leave. She’s eaten all my peanut butter, taken the last banana and broken the blender (I really like banana’s and peanut butter). I recognize this fearful, untrusting girl is an unwanted guest and I want her out but she’s been there so long it’s kinda scary to part with her. It’s all I’ve known for so long.  Strange as it may be, this fearful, untrusting girl has been a great source of protection: keeping others at arm length, not really letting people in, avoiding pain, building walls…all of this has acted as a sort of shield from my biggest fear of all, being hurt and failure.

It’s hard to face yourself and see your flaws. It’s hard to admit weakness and be vulnerable, especially to others. I’m a counselor.  How can I honestly give others advice and counsel them through their decisions and emotions when I am unable to even face my issues myself? When I’m afraid of my own emotions, standing up for myself , and trusting others enough to let them love me?

Once I decided admit my issues and to be honest, got tired of constantly putting up walls ,I asked God to make me more like Him. I asked that he would help me trust others, forgive others, see my self worth,  take away my fear and teach me healthy ways to deal with conflict. Well, ask and you shall receive. I’m getting it all at once. It’s this crazy inner struggle and right now it’s 50/50, me hoping, praying that I allow God to work through me enough that crazy, loving, fearless girl comes back.

2 thoughts on “50/50

  1. Yes! Exactly what I’ve been praying for too girl! It’s funny, I realize the more I fight it, God brings something or someone into my life to smack me in the face with the EXACT thing I didn’t want to happen. Here’s to the trust God builds in us through this humility moments and thank God we can always lean on Him regardless what is happening! God is that soft cushion that lets us little by little squeeze out that fear and into the embrace of our true, beautiful selves! Stay encouraged girl! ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s