So I haven’t been entirely honest on the job front…
I am not sure if I ever mentioned this, but the recreation therapy job that I took was a PRN position, meaning as needed, and they were pretty up in the air as to whether or not it would become permanent. I have been working full time, but it all depends on the census, which has been excellent. When I was told this in the interview, I was worried but I decided to go with my heart…and well, you know the rest.
So this week, my job not being permanent started to eat away at me. I started hearing that horrid voice, that voice of doubt, whispering to me that I had made a huge mistake. I should have never left the state and that I’d probably be out on my butt and homeless in a few months when they no longer had a need for me.
On top of that, my coworker, (who I adore by the way) is very burned out and didn’t really help much in quieting my doubts. She’s had experiences similar to the one that I had working for the state, but at other hospitals. She also hasn’t had a vacation in three years (INSANITY!!!). She was telling me that our role in the hospital does not matter, no one cares and that we are pretty indispensible. She felt that she had picked a career that was leading nowhere.
After talking to her and listening to the doubts that started playing in my own mind…I started to freak myself out. Maybe I did make a mistake? Maybe I should return to vocational counseling (writing that sentence literally makes me want to cry)? Maybe choosing to go back to recreation therapy was a big mistake?
Even with all the negativity I was getting from others and saying to myself, I knew I couldn’t have made a mistake. How could a mistake make me this happy? Sure, I am wiped out by week’s end because of all the people contact, but I really enjoy it. I’ve never been so happy. Why am I experiencing all this doubt?
It’s amazing how our thoughts can be our worst enemy. The lies we tell ourselves can really bring us down. Even when we’ve found something great, our insecurities and self-doubt can really screw things up.
Deep down I knew that God pretty much placed this job in my lap:
About a month ago, as you probably remember, I was toying with the idea of returning back to California. My position with the state had pretty much sucked the life out of me and I hated life…period. I had a job interview back in Visalia, a small town outside of Fresno. It seemed almost perfect: a job near Fresno, friends, my church and all that I deemed comfortable. Life was so much easier and this job interview seemed like a potential ticket out of my hell in Arizona.
The night before I left for California, I just didn’t feel right about any of it: the interview, leaving Phoenix, etc. I had this strange feeling that I was about to screw things up. So, I sat on the edge of my bed, bowed my head and told God that if he meant for me to stay here, I needed another job. I told him I need a job in recreation therapy, working at a behavioral health hospital.
About an hour after that prayer, I went on indeed.com. There, I saw the ad for my current position through career builder.com. I sent my resume in at 11:59 pm on Thursday night, crawled into bed, and caught my flight at 3am to CA.
That following Monday, I got an email asking that I call to set up an interview with the recreation director. I had the interview on Wednesday; they offered me the job the next day. The next FREAKING day. Never in my life has a prayer been answered that fast. The rest is history…
So I know that to doubt what I am doing and where I am at the present moment is sheer stupidity. God practically handed this job to me. It’s my job. To doubt it is to doubt Him, which makes me a huge idiot. So I won’t be doing that anymore and I won’t allow the negativity of others to influence me. God didn’t set me up to fail and I am right where I need to be.
As for the job not being permanent…that is going to change soon. My boss is going to make me permanent (I’ll know in a few weeks), and I get to move to 4 tens which would be AWESOME!!!!! Nothing is better than having a three-day weekend.
So, as of this moment, I am going to stop being stupid. I am going to quit expecting something bad to happen when things are going well. And if you hear me or see me being stupid about this at any time, please call me on it.
I feel a lot better putting this out there. Goodnight 🙂