I am really happy. I think this is my year of conquering fears and actually accomplishing the goals I set out for myself. I am down 20 lbs, running is getting easier and I just feel so much better about myself. It feels good to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you are becoming.
So I did a difficult thing this weekend…I set a boundary with a friend. It was hard. I didn’t want to do it. I don’t really like the way I went about it, but I got to the point where I had to say or do something before I blew up.
When I was confronted, I really wanted to lie. I wanted to keep my mouth shut and just let what was going on roll off my back. Lying seemed to be so much easier. I figured I could spare their feelings and just ignore my own. Who wants to tell another that they continue to hurt you?
However I knew that I could no longer do that, and the time to start respecting myself was now. Also, I knew was an injustice to my friend and things could only change if I told the truth. Not to mention it’s just bad to lie in general. I was honest, and being honest about someone hurting you, especially when it is a friend, was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time. It was risky, I knew it could end a good friendship, but it was a risk I had to take.
Man I am glad I took that risk! My friends were right; being honest with how I felt really lifted a weight off my shoulders. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Doing this, I put myself first…something I rarely do, if ever. It was scary, but I am happy I did it. Am I sorry things got kinda ugly with this friend? Definitely. Do I still want a friendship? Of course. I just need it to be one that does not affect my self esteem and sanity.
I know things probably won’t go back to the way they were (and that’s not exactly a terrible thing), but I am hopeful they will get better. I learned a lot from this situation and the biggest thing was forgiveness. I didn’t realize how angry I was after all of this. I was really, really angry and mostly at myself. Why didn’t I respect myself enough to do this sooner? Why was I so afraid to stand up for myself? And lastly, why didn’t I respect the friendship enough that I was afraid to be honest? I’ve been sitting on months of anger and resentment. MONTHS. I’ve basically allowed a ton of negativity to take up residence in my head for months on end. That’s not healthy.
So, in a sense I guess finally I blew up. I found something that would say exactly what I’ve wanted to say for MONTHS , say it in the nicest way I could possibly think of and I blogged it. It felt good. REALLY good. Yay, it’s out there now! I finally said (sort of) everything I’ve wanted to say. Now, I’ll finally feel better!
When I look back on it now, I wish I would have done it another way and in the end I was still angry.
I tried several ways to surpress it all as I usually do when I am upset- running, music, shopping, hanging out with friends and exploring the bird sanctuary behind my house. None of those really helped; and all I managed to find were giant killer bunnies, and a cool study spot.
After two days of still feeling really crappy about the situation, I finally prayed about it. I poured out everything. I poured out my frustrations about my friend, other similar situations and finally my frustration with myself. After a two hour rant/ prayer/ cry session…I felt better. I also had my answer as to what to do to get rid of the anger:
I’ve been reading up on forgiveness and I realize that although I kept saying that everything was okay…in my heart it wasn’t. True forgiveness means giving someone a clean slate. I was still holding on to the pain and still keeping tabs in a sense. I also read that forgiveness is not just for the person who has hurt you, it’s mostly for yourself. I realized that holding on to all this anger and resentment was blocking me from receiving something greater and from being blessed. Also, not really forgiving this person was actually keeping me unhappy!
One of my goals this year was to be a better Christian; how can I do that if I am unable to truly forgive? I realized that it is time to swallow my pride, and chose to stop being angry. Today, I let everything go. I decided to forgive my friend. Have I told them this yet? No. I plan on it.
Then I forgave myself.
I feel tons better. It’s amazing what happens when you just let go. Now to work on that letter; how the heck do you tell someone you forgive them so they know you mean it?