I realized today that I am really, really angry with you. I know you’ve known this as I’ve tried to give you the cold shoulder for the past year, but now I am past that. I’m coming right out and saying it: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU.
I also don’t trust you. There. It’s out there now. I’ve admitted to myself, to everyone, that I don’t trust you.
This makes it hard to love you. To be totally and completely sold out to you. When there are anger and trust issues present, love is a difficult thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love you. I can’t live without you. But loving you is no easy task.
My anger and lack of trust stems from my plans never really matching up with your plans. You think I’m strong enough to be without my mom; I think you overestimate my ability to handle it. You think I can grow without my home church; I think I’m not strong enough. I want to leave Arizona; you want me to stay. You want me to get ready for a relationship; I really don’t know how to do that. You want me to find my voice; I still don’t know where to look for it. You want me to be light in a place of darkness; I don’t even know how to turn the light on.
You keep pruning me, watering me and trying to make me grow. Of course, I protest:
“I’m getting growing pains, Lord. STOP IT!!!”
” Isn’t there a hibernation period for your plants? Don’t they have semi-annual, annual, perennial? Can I be one of those? Please?! ”
“I’m totally fine with that wonky leaf hanging off my branch.I like the color yellow. Leave it alone; it’ll turn green someday.”
Yet you ignore me and keep doing what you do. You keep clipping, shaping and watering. I yell at you, and you listen, but the pruning continues. I cry uncle and say enough is enough, but you keep adding more. And this Lord, is why I am angry with you, having a hard time trusting you and even a harder time loving you.
So now that I’ve laid out all my issues with you; what’s next? How do I overcome these issues that I know are present? How do I follow, trust and love without protest?
I know the verses:
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not you harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Deuteronomy 6:5- Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength.
And of course the one I struggle with the most:
Proverbs 3:5-6- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek him in all you do and he will direct your paths.
I know the verses. I have these memorized. I know what I you say to do. Why the heck is it so hard to default to those three verses? Why do I protest? Why can’t I submit? Why do I respond out of anger; why can’t I accept the trials you give me with love?
And the biggest question of all: Why do you continue to put up with me?