Today I had an introvert day. I love introvert days.
I decided to skip church here in Tempe and watch my home church online. I am so glad I did.
So last week I pretty much threw a fit over how my life has been. I apologize for the tantrum; I was angry. I felt like the road God placed me on is not easy; in fact at times I feel like my road has sink holes. I know I am overdramatizing but sometimes, its how I feel.
The funny thing is, right after that tantrum, God lead me to this verse:
Huh, funny how that happens…
Anyway, during the service, my pastor said something that really hit home: Commitment is not for cowards.
Does my fear of commitment mean that I am a coward? Do I really want to say I tapped out early because I was afraid? Do I really want to be known for bowing out?
When I look back at her statement and realized that I don’t sit well with being a chicken, I decided that it is time for me to change my approach on how to deal with things when they make me uncomfortable. A friend told me that it is okay to be afraid of change, but there is no need to run from it. I need to embrace it as it will turn out good in the end.
I have a really hard time with commitment. God knows this. It scares me and I like to run away when this comes into the picture. He is also aware of this. To me, commitment means giving up the control I think I have and start putting down roots.
Ephesians 3:17 says:
I need to come to a place where I can settle and seriously start to grow. I can no longer half-ass this walk; I must go all in or get out. I know what being on the outside feels like; it sucks. Lost and depressed do not work well for me. So, I know there is only one way to go. I have to trust God and give everything over. This is not an easy thing to do, but I trust that God will make it easier.
I didn’t realize how much of a control freak I was when other things in the realm of commitment started coming down the pipe. As laid back as I try to be, I have a really hard time giving up control. I have an iron clad grip on several things in my life and now I have to let them go. To do so, there are a couple of things I will need to work on:
1) Proverbs 4:23
I think I take this verse way out of context. If there is a way to overdo this, I’m doing it.. Like most people, I don’t like getting hurt. I do whatever I can to keep people from hurting me. The downside is, I have a really hard time meeting people and then letting them in. There’s something coming my way that if I don’t allow God to break me of this, it’s going to get ruined. I’ve sabotaged myself doing it my way for so long; it’s time for me to give this aspect of my life to God and find some balance.
2) Philippians 4:6
I worry about everything. I tend to over think things and drive myself insane. I also try to handle everything on my own and I hate to ask for help. I also have a hard time praying. I seem to manage fine when I am upset with God, but in the times when I am not angry…I don’t know what to say. My mind just races. I get distracted and keep going on with my day.
But as it was mentioned today, God doesn’t want excuses, he wants my commitment. He wants me to put the work in. He wants me to set aside time and talk to him. He wants me to cast my cares on to him. It’s simple really. I just need to do it.
3) Proverbs 3:5
This too, is simple when I just do it. But because I am a control freak, I have a difficult time in this area. But, if I am committed to Christ, I must learn to trust. If I do not trust God, how will I trust my spouse? My friends? My family? I think if I were better at trusting God with my life, I’d have an easier time trusting others.
4) Psalms 119:93
I read my bible, but I need to get better at knowing it. I need to be able to use it. I need to spend more time immersing myself in it and learning all I can. How can I be effective in my walk if I don’t know the word? How can I be light to others? My pastor said that if I don’t do my job right, someone could get hurt. That’s a scary thing.
So, I have a lot to work on, but I am willing to do that work. It won’t be easy because I am trying to kill a part of me that I have known for so long. I am choosing to be committed. I won’t allow myself to be a coward any longer: