I get to meet one of my heros in two weeks. I’m absolutely thrilled. When I saw that she was coming to Tempe for a book signing, I literally screamed in delight.
I have many blogs that I like to read, but this one is my favorite. It all started when my friend Elizabeth posted a blog about a giant metal chicken named Beyonce…and I was hooked. I thank Elizabeth everyday for posting that link and bringing so much joy into my life. Seriously, if you have not read it, do it. It’s absolutely hilarious.
I seriously meant to write a coherent, well written blog today, but I am just so excited…
There are so many reasons I love the Bloggess, so many in fact, that I am having trouble articulating what they are. I think I am still geeking out about her being here in two weeks. Anyway, one of the main reasons I love her is that she is so open about her battle with anxiety and depression, how crippling it can be and how she deals with it. She’s even started a movement to encourage and empower women despite their struggles.
I’ve battled with depression for over ten years. It can cripple and paralyze you if you let it and don’t get help. There are days where it hurts to open my eyes, see the sun and face the day. There are days where it really hurts to smile. There are days where I feel completely crushed by it and it takes every bit of energy I have to power through. Thankfully, these moments aren’t too often and when they do happen, they pass after a few days.
Sometimes…I give in.
Last weekend I had one of those moments. I had a rough couple weeks at work, I got into with a friend and I really missed my mother. I was just done. Emotionally, I had nothing left and it took a toll on me physically. I found myself buried under my covers, unable to move, consumed with pain. I couldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat. I felt as if I failed at my job, my ability to be a friend and I opened an old wound of guilt surrounding my mothers death. My broken record of lies started playing in my head:
You’re worthless. You’re a bad friend. You suck at your job. You are going to fail. You will never be good enough. You have nothing to offer. You don’t deserve to be loved. You suck at being a Christian. No one loves or cares about you. You never loved your mother enough. You’ll always be alone.
I tried recalling verses in my head, but the comfort they provided was fleeting. I let my depression consume me and I was broken.
One of the nights when I could not sleep, I got up, walked into my living room and started crying/praying. I sat on my couch, told God I was done, and begged to go home. I told him that I was not as strong as he thought I was. I told him that I felt abandoned and alone. I told him I missed my friends and my family. As I cried to him, begging him for understanding, peace and comfort…a little voice said:
I stopped crying and heard the voice again.
Maybe I was hallucinating from the lack of sleep and stress, but it got me off that couch and back into bed. I fell asleep after that and was able to get up and go to work the next day. God must have known I needed a friend because I was able to spend time with one of my friends that evening and it helped so much. I needed the reminder that I was loved and cared for.
It’s been a week, and things are slowly getting better. My boss returned and a majority of my difficult clients are gone, so a lot of the pressure of work has been lifted. Yay! It’s practically August now, and I’ll be seeing all my friends and family back in Fresno in a few weeks. I am so excited. It’s a welcomed break from Arizona life.
As for the friend, I’m getting a much needed break. Sure, I miss that friend a lot, but the friendship was doing more harm than good on both ends.I didn’t recognize myself in this friendship and what I saw was pretty ugly. So, it’s time for a time out. Distance is a good, GOOD thing and I am feeling a lot better in this area. It’s given me a chance to focus on myself, heal and work out some serious forgiveness/anger issues. You really can’t be a good friend unless you stop being angry with someone and really forgive them. Until that happens, distance is good.
As for my mom, I will always miss her. She was my person. I wasn’t always the best kid, but I loved her. I will always wish that I did things differently as her daughter, but she is gone now and I can’t change the past. She wanted the best for me, and most of all she wanted me to be happy. She’d kick my butt if she knew I was lying around depressed, guilt ridden, trying to give up. She’d tell me to get off my ass, man up and get moving or she’ll give me something to cry about. It sounds harsh, but it was her style.
Whenever I feel like I can’t go on, and my depression feels overwhelming, I’ll remember the Bloggess. She deals with depression, yet she brings so much joy and laughter to others despite her pain. I want to be that person, to be able to help others despite my pain. When that doesn’t work, I”ll picture my mother threatening my ass. Either way, I’m going to keep moving, keep fighting and never give up.