God sure has a sense of humor. My life feels like a comedy right now. A comedy that I did not agree to star in; it’s just happening around me and I have to let it.
And I don’t like it.
Not. One. Bit.
So I finished up a fast in September which focused on praying for our promises. I had four promises. There were my three big ones, build a stronger relationship with God, find a recreation therapist position in Fresno and move back home to Fresno. There is one more, but I am no where near ready to talk about that yet, at least here.
Anyway, as I fasted and prayed for these things in September, I learned some things about myself that I need to work on:
1) I am not patient at all.
2) I have serious trust issues…this I already knew, but this more so applies to my relationship with God.
3) I am a control freak.
I praise myself on having a pretty laid back personality, but when it comes to letting go of my life and fully trusting God, boy do I like to try to micromanage. Thankfully, God is God and he just picks me up and moves me out of the way. So, I get huffy and try to sneak my way in. That doesn’t work either. This is kinda what our conversations look like.
Me: “Hey God, Jesus…whatcha doing?”
God:”Just editing these bluepints. We’ve got some great stuff planned for you that we need to update.”
Jesus: “You’re going to love it. I’m so excited! “
Me: “Really?! Can I take a peek?”
God: (Laughs) “An artist never reveals his masterpiece until the timing is right.”
Jesus: “You’ll just have to wait.”
Me: “But…it’s my life. I thought I was in control…”
Jesus: (Chuckles and pats my head) Aren’t you just adorable? We’ll let you know when it’s ready.”
Me: (Stomps off, sits in a corner and sulks for five minutes while they giggle at my childishness and continue planning my life without any of my input)
Don’t get me wrong, God does answer my prayers, not all of them but he’s answered quite a bit. He does take what I want into consideration, just not everything. At the end of fast, I got answers to all four of my promises…but I have to wait on ALL of them, except for one, which is growing stronger in my relationship with God. That one is really taking off. If anything, all this waiting, trusting and letting go of control has really improved my prayer life, cause I pray all the time now. Even if it is me asking what the heck is going on, it’s still communicating with God. So yay for that!
But as for the other three…OMG waiting sucks. It is really not fun. God knows this is really driving me nuts and He is really laying it on thick in the “learning to trust and wait” department. When the fast was over, there were five recreation therapy positions in Fresno at this brand new veteran’s home. When I saw that, I cried. I applied instantly.
“Yay, finally I get to go home now!!!”
I sang as I danced around my apartment. Then I looked at the potential hiring date: APRIL 2013.
Turns out that the Veteran’s home is just waiting on funding from the state so they can open it. God says the job is mine, I just gotta wait for it. There’s that waiting thing again. I thought I was done with it after the fast.
Back to the corner I go to sit and stew for five minutes while God reassures me that this will all be pretty sweet in the end. I just have to wait.
During this waiting period, I have made attempts to take this situation into my own hands. However, God is like the best NFL blocker of all time and has blocked every single field goal I’ve attempted to make. He just catches the ball, shakes his head, and tells me that it’s only the second down and I am trying to attempt a 70 yard field goal. Then he sends me back to the bench, telling me he’ll call me when they make a touchdown.
So what were my field goal attempts?
I applied for other jobs around Fresno. Five of them were my dream jobs: a position as a recreation therapist with the Veterans Administration and they were all located in the Bay area. Not exactly Fresno, but close enough to where I could visit on the weekends. I have always wanted to work there. Always. Getting into that place is hard and getting an interview is really rare. They commonly have openings in my field, but they are usually in crappy areas like Alabama or South Dakota. (Okay, I’m sure these are great places, I just don’t want to live there). So when I saw the ones in the bay area…I thought to myself:
“Yes! This must be from God! I’ve always wanted one of those! I must apply!”
So I did, and I got selected for interviews. The strange thing was, all my interview notifications went to old email addresses and telephone numbers which I hadn’t listed on my resume. I just happened upon them when I decided to randomly check these email accounts. When I did catch one, I couldn’t make the interview date and it could not be rescheduled. God was blocking my every attempt to take control!
I had to turn them down and watch sadly as they were reposted again. I even passed one on to my coworker. That was hard. I will be happy for her if she gets it, but way sad if she gets to leave to California before I do. Also, she’s awesome and I really like working with her.
After bowing out of another interview today, this one an hour from Fresno…it hit me. God means for me to wait. I have to do it. Fighting Him just won’t work; He’s got something planned and I just have to let Him take control. I know in the end it will be awesome and if I try to mess with stuff now, I’ll just make everything a mess. But, waiting is hard y’all; trusting is even more difficult. Dying to my old self, the one who would have probably said…
” Screw that! This is my dream job. I am going for it no matter what,”
is so not what I am used to. Now I am becoming this obedient submitting person and it’s just strange. I don’t even recognize myself. It’s frightening , yet exciting at the same time.
So now that I fully get that I just have to wait, I’m going to do what my friend told all of us on the way to Magic Mountain last weekend, (which was a blast, btw). It went a little something like this:
“Everyone has to wait. You have two choices; you can either sit and be pissed off while you wait or you can sit back, let God take control and just grow in the waiting.”
I’m ready to be the second part of that statement now.
I know there are times that I will freak out, because I am a control freak and right now…I feel like I am in control of nothing. But, God has a book for that.
James is awesome right now, especially James 1:2-4 because of what I am currently going through. So, when I am feeling kinda anxious, I’ll refer to this passage: