Does God ever freak you out?
I know He does with me. At least He has been lately.
So, in the past few months, some things that I have prayed for have started to materialize. It’s been cool to experience it, and even cooler to know that God is in it. It’s all very new for me, and as each day goes by, I am getting slightly better at giving things up and just trusting God. It’s still a little scary for me and I still battle doubt, but I am being better about coming to God and voicing my fears. It’s daily thing I have to do in order to not go nuts.
God revealed something to me last Friday that really shook me up. Things just got a little too real and I FLIPPED OUT. Bad. I told God I was done; I couldn’t do what He had planned. Instead of running away like I normally do, I did the next best thing: I put on my running shoes, grabbed my head phones and went for a midnight run in hopes to drown out anything God wanted to say to me. However, God is much louder than any music I could put on.
At this point of my life, sometimes I feel like a teenager in my relationship with God. When I am freaked, frustrated, not getting my way, I talk to Him like a teenager daughter would speak to her father. This is the gist of our convo that night:
Me: ” I’m not going. I’m not going to do it. I can’t do this.”
God: Yes you can and yes you are.”
Me: “You can’t make me.”
God: “Alexis, tell me why you can’t do this.”
Me: “I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t see what is coming and it is freaking me out.”
God: Why are you worried about things that have not happened yet?”
At this point I stop running.
Me: “Why can’t you clue me in? I’ve trusted you, followed you. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It’s freaking me out. I don’t even know who I am anymore. And this new thing…I don’t even know how to handle it. I can’t handle it on my own and I don’t like it.
God: “These are all good things. I know it’s scary, but you just have to TRUST me. Follow me. I know the outcome of everything. Just follow me.
Me: I just…you know what? I was fine. I was just fine. I started this trusting, following, believing, dying to self thing and now I feel nuts. Now I feel so vulnerable. I was fine…completely fine…”
God (Pretty annoyed now): YOU WERE NOT FINE. You were merely existing. Dying. Compromising. Sleeping. I let you sleep. For three years, I let you sleep. Now you are awake. ALIVE. Now start living, obeying and following ME.”
When God yells at you, it’s a good thing to stop whatever you were doing to get that response. He’s pretty patient and in that moment, I did not want to try his patience any further. However, I had one last thing to say.
Me: “Okay, I am sorry. God, I just want to be normal.”
He chuckles as He answers me:
“Honey, you were never meant to be normal. You are set aside, and called to be different from everyone else. Never will you be normal.”
After that conversation, I’ve kinda been in a funk. I know that the giving up control, trusting, following things are good for me, but at times it gets me. I used pride myself on my independence, my drive, my ability to just jump into things and all of that is changing rapidly. I’ve become this dependent person, dependent on Him and it’s just so abnormal for me. The more I follow, the crazier I feel…does that make sense? I mean, I’m not unhappy by any means, and sure a couple of things could be better, but I just feel…abnormal.
So eventually, I calmed down and enjoyed some much needed introvert time. I spent my weekend away from people, visiting my bootleg San Diego and shopping. On Sunday, I decided to tune into my home church. The sermon was great, and at the end my pastor had a word for everyone:
“You are not NORMAL.”
Well at least I am not going through this “not normal” thing alone.
Sometimes I want to give into the world and do my own thing. I see some of my non christian friends, and they seem to have it so easy. They just do what they want, when they want. Seems like a great, carefree life.
In the same token, I remember when I lived that life. I wasn’t happy nor was I unhappy. I was just ambivalent, not really caring about anything. I was just…there and I didn’t like it. I was always longing for something more.
God is patient, caring and loving and will always be by my side, no matter how much I freak out. I know as this year goes on, and things keep materializing like they are, there will probably be more “freak outs.” I have to look at these moments of uncertainties as ways to strengthen my trust and dependance on Him. I have to accept the fact that I am just not meant to be NORMAL.
This walk is one heck of a ride, but I am glad that I am on it.